Daddy Issues

I think its fair to conclude that I have daddy issues. Not the daddy issues that make me seek attention from men to some how compensate the attention I didn’t get from my father, nor the daddy issues that makes me hate men, although I am a firm believer that #niggasaintshit, but rather daddy issues that makes me lose faith in men, and expect constant disappointment from them.

Growing up in  a single family household, I never felt at a disadvantage to my friends who had a mother and father. In fact I felt I was better off with just my mum, just one parent to seek permission from, just the one parent to be annoyed by. I had a GOOD mum, and for me that was enough .

It was not until I grew older , and realised that maybe it would have been nice to have my dad around. I know my dad, he was never a stranger to me, although I spent most of my life living with just my mum, I spoke to my dad often, got sent birthday cards, and saw him sometimes ( a few times every couple of years ) , but my dad was always emotionally distant to me. I never felt a huge affection towards him, to be honest I had friends who I cared more for. I never hated him, but I never loved him, I was just never that bothered.

It was not until a few years ago that I realised I really was bothered. I was at a wedding when I witnessed a father and daughter dance, it was the first time I really felt jealous of someone for having a father. A father that she clearly loved, a father that was her hero, and in that moment I felt such resentment towards my dad. Because his actions meant I was never going to have that.

I got to a place where hated Father’s day , the notion of the day made me angry. I joined the gang of people who tweeted,

‘ Happy fathers day to my mum for being both a mother and father.’

But the truth is my mum is a great mum, but she has never been a father, she couldn’t be. She couldn’t be my positive male role model. She couldn’t show me how men should treat women. She couldn’t show me what it is to have a great man in my life, therefore allowing me to have high standards in men. She could never be my father.

So this fathers day, I have decided  not to hate the day, good fathers should be celebrated, and hopefully I will get to a stage where I can celebrate fathers day, and have a sincere relationship with my dad. I have decided to work at the relationship with my father, and if that doesn’t work out I can always find solace knowing I have my PAPA God !

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